Growing up I remember the adults in the family talking about their health ailments and bills and healthcare and taxes and finances and how this doctor is better than that doctor.  I never was interested in it much, and chalked it up to adulthood.  I, my friends, am finally an adult!  I’ve recently used adult terms like “peri-wound skin” and “benefit year.”  I feel like I could be a consultant to doctors who think they know how to run an office.  Like. . . a real life-functioning-adult-professional office that serves its customers properly, returns calls, hires the right people and projects comfort and calm.  I’ve talked about the importance of Calmoseptine and petroleum jelly and  setting up payment plans for the eleventy medical service providers I owe money to now.  I mean, this is exhilarating stuff, folks.  I’ve made it.  I am now a colon-less man with more energy than I had before the operation, and balances with billing companies sprinkled across the U.S.

Would I do it again?  Would I do it all over again?  I think so.  The surgeon tells me I am coming along faster than most patients he has seen.  My surgery was at the beginning of the month (January 2nd), and I am already running with the dog around the neighborhood.  He still has some limitations placed on my physical activities, but it’s nice to get out again.  It’s been since mid-October of last year since I exercised last.  When I say “running” it may be a bit of an exaggeration.  Perhaps more of a dawdle, but that’s because I need rebuild muscle and stretch those lungs out.  He said in three weeks and can begin core exercises.  I cannot do them now due to the risk of getting a hernia.  Because of the surgery I will forever be at risk of getting a hernia at the incision site.  This is for all colectomy patients.  Not just me I’m told.

I returned to the office full-time two weeks after my final surgery, and I think it really helped in speeding up my recovery.  That’s not sarcasm.  I think it’s helping because I am not focusing on my innards; I am focusing on the work at hand.

Now for the explicit stuff where I share my experiences and hopefully helpful tips. . . . . . .     

The first week after the surgery was terrible.  You have to remember that your butt has not been used since your colectomy.  For me that was about three months.  Your time may be a bit shorter or a lot longer depending on your healing and your surgeon’s schedule.  It is not used to having waste come through.  Your skin got soft while you had the ileostomy bag, and now it’s being put back to work.  The runny shit will flow, and it will sting.  It has a much shorter path now, and it is highly acidic – in other words you are going to have many trips to the john with stomach acid repeatedly being excreted.  It burns you on the way out.  Get some Vaseline and coat your anus BEFORE you go – lube the chute – this will protect yo’ ass!  Secondly, get a tube of Calmoseptine.  Apply it after you have thoroughly cleaned up.  A little goes a long way.  This stuff heals you pronto-quicko, and soothes the area when you’re not on the toilet.

After two weeks of a low residue diet which all of you should be very familiar with, I began experimenting with fiber.  Metamucil.  Some veggies on my sandwich or pizza.  A bit of fruit here and there.  Some things worked fine.  Other things did not (damn grits!).  I also experimented with using Immodium to firm up my stool.  I take 2 in the morning when I wake up.  I take one at lunch.  And I take 2 at 8pm.  If I stray from this schedule there will be consequences.  If I eat later than 7-8pm there will be consequences.  I will be up all night pretty much.  The Night of the Grits was not funno, but it was the only terrible night I’ve had since that first post-op week.  I typically wake up about 0-2 times at night to go to the bathroom (some nights are better than others, and 3-5 trips a night occur from time to time – maybe once a week).  The surgeon says it’s surprising so soon after the operation.  Apparently, I should be waking up a bit more overnight.  Everyone’s different, I suppose.

I have a bag of tricks.  AKA:  “The Oh Shit! Bag”.  The actual bag was provided by one of the medical equipment providers when I was on ileostomy bag duty.  It came in one of the starter kits they send.  The bag now contains bandages and gauze for wound care.  A tube of Calmoseptine.  A thing of petroleum jelly.  Some painkiller (just in case – more on that below).  Some Immodium.  I stroll the halls of work with my little bag of tricks.  I think I’m getting to the point, though, where I no longer need to bring it with me anymore.  I think it may just stay in the car during the day going forward.

I still have the limited amount of painkiller prescribed to me – hydrocodone.  I wanted to limit the amount I used because I wanted to be able to thoroughly “listen” to my body.  With that being said, sometimes you just have to pop a pill or two.  Pain happens.  Punching the air may happen too.

The surgeon estimates my complete recovery will last 7-12 months.  I’ll keep you posted.